Never in my life have I ever been a jealous person. I’ve wanted things that other people have had, but it’s short-termed, basically a feeling of lust. But right now, I’ve never felt more jealous in my life, and it’s for a reason that’s truly not important or a big deal in anyway. I guess it’s because they’re with you and I’m not. I can’t stand looking at the pictures of you that include her, or any other girl. Not because I’m jealous of them, I’m jealous that they’re with you and I’m not. I never get to see you. Especially if it’s someone from the past. I know what’s capable of happening; I know reality, no one needs to sugar coat anything for me. I may be young, but I’m not dumb. I have one hundred percent faith in you, but I don’t in any other person. I’m just going to have to rest upon my faith to get me through this envy.
I’m not going to lie, I get nervous easily. It’s a bad habit. I guess it’s just because I’m insecure. Insecure with myself, insecure with others. Don’t hold it against me. You know what I’ve gone through and what makes me be like this. You make me nervous. Nervous that I’m not going to meet the expectations you’ve been looking forward to. Nervous that one day you’ll realize this distance isn’t what you want. Nervous that you’ll meet another girl. I try so incredibly hard not to show it to try and make myself look like a stronger person, but it’s nights like these that I give in, especially when you’re drinking. I just want to talk to you. It would calm my nerves. It’s now that I need to remind myself that you’re in college and need nothing holding you back in life, but I’m stuck here in this small town, missing you, wondering if you’re thinking about me up there. God I miss you so much. Let those drunk words speak a sober mind and talk to me to reassure me that everything is going to be ok tonight.
As much as I wish I could go back, not to change things, but to relive them, I think in reality I really want to go forward. I WISH I COULD SPEED UP TIME. I try to live for the moment so I don’t look back and ask myself where my childhood went, but at the same time, when the people you spend the most time with are so much older than you, it really starts to put a burden on your life. Things need to start coming faster. Is it Friday yet? I miss you so much. I can’t wait to see your face. But of course, it’s only Tuesday. Time seems to go by so much more slowly when you’re anticipating something. Sitting at a stop light, come on green light, GO, nope still red. That’s exactly the scenario in my brain. I’m just sitting at the red light waiting for it to turn green so I can go.
I try my hardest not to regret anything, even though I live in the past. I take each happening, good or bad, and make it a learning lesson. I grow from it, even though I might choose to want to forget it ever happened. I feel as though it makes me a well rounded person and call it experience. I think it’s funny, though, that people that haven’t showed any emotion to me in months finally do when they realize how happy I am without them. You know what, go fuck yourself. You should see the smile on my face I wear these days. To everyone that’s ever left someone and realize what they’re now missing out on, I feel sorry for you. Wallow in your own regret because I’m living my life without any.
I’m not one to run my mouth. If I have something to say, I’m gonna say it to your face. I think that’s the Italian that comes out in me frequently. It was much worse when I was younger. I’ve learned to channel my anger and make getting mad my last resort. But I’m so fed up now. It’s Wednesday and I’ve had to defend myself over bullshit every day this past week. I can only handle so much thrown my way. It makes me sick thinking about the people I’m so close to, doubt me. I put my faith into people that I can trust, which is very few, but when I finally do, and you throw it back at me, I’m going to get upset. Then mad. It’s human nature. It’s how I am. TGIAF because I’m fed up with this week already.
The things I would truly do to hug you right now. To put my hands on your face and feel your stubble then hear you apologize for not shaving your face today for me. Do you think I really care? The little things I notice, which has its ups and downs for when you leave me. Each intricate detail outlines your full spectrum in my mind, but too much makes me start to believe you’re really here, when you’re not. I go to school, you’re not there, into to town, you’re not there, open my eyes.. you’re not there. The good thing about that last part is that I learned a magic trick; if I close my eyes super fast after I open them, you reappear. God you make me so happy and you don’t even have to do anything to try. Do I still make you nervous? I own half of your clothes I feel and wearing them makes me feel like you’re here with me. But you’re not, so I think I’ll close my eyes now.
I'm Elizabeth, this is my life in writing. I don't just post pictures; I write too because I have something more to say, something pictures can't do by itself. I write for several purposes: to watch myself grow, change, and learn from my own mistakes and to inspire others.